Somewhere between the $12 halal plate and the mayor doing crunches in front of flashing cameras, something snapped in New York City. And into this glittering void of absurdity has stepped Zohran Mamdani: socialist, state assembly member, rapper emeritus, and—if the polls are to be believed—possibly the next mayor of New York.
Yes, really.
I don’t live in New York. I don’t vote there. I don’t understand how the subway map works or why bagels count as both a food group and a personality trait. But from where I’m standing, watching Zohran’s campaign unfold is like watching someone try to fix a broken vending machine—with empathy, a screwdriver, and a mango lassi.
And weirdly? It’s kind of working.
The Chicken Over Rice Heard Around the City
Let’s start with halalflation. If that word made you snort audibly—good. Because it’s very real.
A few years ago, chicken over rice from a cart in NYC cost you about five bucks. These days? Ten. Twelve if you’re downtown and unlucky. For a meal that comes in a foil tray and could double as a doorstop, this is… a lot.
Zohran asked why. So he did what most politicians don’t: he talked to the cart guy. And the guy spilled. Turns out, vendors don’t just pay the city for a permit. They pay some random dude on the black market upwards of $207,000 for the right to exist. Meanwhile, the city still charges $400. It just doesn’t issue any new ones. Because… bureaucracy? Corruption? Vibes?
Anyway, cue Zohran pulling out a stack of City Council bills that would fix this whole mess. If passed, vendors could get their own permits, prices could drop, and New York could go back to being the city of affordable street meat.
It’s the kind of thing that sounds small, until you realise it’s a microcosm of literally every system in that city: housing, transit, groceries—you name it. A middleman jacks up the price, and the people pay.
So when Zohran says Make Halal $8 Again, it’s not just about food. It’s about dignity. And not having to Venmo your friend just to get lunch.
Who Is Zohran Mamdani?
Zohran Kwame Mamdani is what happens when political earnestness meets WhatsApp auntie hype. Born in New York to Indian filmmaker Mira Nair and Ugandan-born scholar Mahmood Mamdani, he grew up in Kampala and Queens—two places that prepare you equally well for chaos.
Before entering politics, he was a housing rights organiser and mixtape rapper. (He sold CDs on taxis and got rejected a lot, which, in hindsight, was training for public office.)
In 2020, he was elected to the New York State Assembly, representing Astoria. Since then, he’s become a rising voice on the left, pushing for rent freezes, free public transit, universal childcare, and now, apparently, city-run grocery stores. Because yes, everything is too expensive, and no, you shouldn’t need a finance degree to buy cereal.
And crucially, he has range. His campaign videos include:
- Explainers in Spanish (which he spent hours memorising on a sidewalk),
- Emotional appeals in Hindi (complete with Bollywood transitions),
- And mango lassi metaphors to explain ranked-choice voting.
Name a candidate with more auntie appeal. I’ll wait.
Wait—What Is Ranked-Choice Voting Again?
Ah, yes. The part where New York’s elections become a logic puzzle.
Instead of picking one candidate, voters get to rank their top five:
- Favourite
- Next best
- Your friend’s weird suggestion
- A name you saw on a sign
- Andrew Cuomo (if you’ve completely given up)
If no one gets more than 50% of the first-choice votes, the person with the fewest votes is eliminated, and their votes go to the next-ranked candidate. This keeps happening until someone finally crosses the finish line like a sweaty marathon runner chasing a free bagel.
It’s democracy, but spicier.
Who Is He Running Against?
Let’s not get distracted. The real tension here is between Zohran, the hopeful disruptor, and two major shadows looming over this election like overcooked pastrami: Eric Adams and Andrew Cuomo.
Eric Adams — The Incumbent, King of Vibes
Adams is the current mayor. A former cop turned smoothie-loving wellness guru turned “Wait, is this a mayor or a motivational speaker?” sort of politician.
His administration has focused largely on:
- Police budgets (more)
- Photo ops (many)
- Solving inflation with yoga (unconfirmed)
When it comes to Zohran’s vending permit bills—Adams has said… absolutely nothing. Silence. The kind of silence you get when you ask a tech bro if he pays taxes.
Still, he’s the establishment candidate. And in a city full of landlords, that’s sometimes enough.
Andrew Cuomo — The Reboot Nobody Asked For
Then there’s Andrew “Please Stop Inviting Me Back” Cuomo.
Yes, that Cuomo. The one who resigned in disgrace, wrote a victory lap book during a pandemic, and then tried to gaslight us all into forgetting about those nursing homes and those women and that whole… vibe.
He is running again, presumably because the ghosts of disgraced politicians past formed a PAC.
Cuomo wants to position himself as the serious adult in the room—which is rich coming from a guy who once justified a press conference with “I’m not pervy, I’m Italian.”
The idea of Cuomo trying to beat Zohran in a ranked-choice system is honestly hilarious. Imagine ranking your top five, and getting to Cuomo and thinking, “Actually, I’d rather just eat a raw onion and go to bed.”
So Could Zohran Actually Win?
Maybe. Polls are showing it’s not just possible—it’s plausible. He’s running a smart, meme-powered, people-focused campaign. And in a city where “relatable” and “electable” usually live on opposite ends of the L train, that’s impressive.
But even if he doesn’t win, I’m rooting for the idea of Zohran Mamdani. Not the brand. Not the buzzwords. The idea that someone could run for office without having to pretend they aren’t human. That someone can say “affordability” and actually mean it. That politics can be about food vendors and renters and childcare and buses—not just donors and debt.
I don’t live in New York. I’m just watching from the bleachers with popcorn and a mildly overpriced soda. But if someone like Zohran can win there? Maybe someone like him can win anywhere.
Blissful Ignorance: Where politics, satire, and mild emotional breakdowns meet.
Next week: A deep dive into why the landlord who owns eight brownstones says rent control is “a communist myth.” Spoiler: He’s wrong.