Imagine this: you’re part of a settler colonial elite that enjoyed over three centuries of stolen land, free labour, racially segregated suburbs, and the unique privilege of not knowing who Brenda Fassie is — and then democracy happens. Tragic. So, like any self-respecting heir of colonial plunder, you pack your bags, grab your Bible, forget your history, and declare yourself a “refugee” fleeing the horrifying, unspeakable terror of… equality.
Welcome to the story of the Great White Trek 2.0: Afrikaners in MAGAland.
Yes, dear readers, white South Africans (specifically the Afrikaners, and we’ll get to who they are in a moment) have recently appeared on America’s alt-right bingo card as the newest victims of persecution. According to the alternative facts circulating in certain parts of Twitter, Breitbart, and that dark corner of the internet where Tucker Carlson still weeps, these Afrikaners are suffering from a brutal campaign of land expropriation without compensation — aka, government-sanctioned theft by scary black people in gumboots.
Donald Trump even tweeted about it back in 2018, saying he asked Mike Pompeo to look into the “large-scale killing of farmers” and land seizures in South Africa. Because if there’s one man we trust to understand global agrarian land policy, it’s a New York real estate mogul with no passport stamps and a vendetta against kale.
But first — a history class for the geopolitically impaired.
Who Are the Afrikaners?
Afrikaners are descendants of mostly Dutch settlers who arrived at the Cape of Good Hope in the 1600s and proceeded to build an entire society on the backs (and land) of Black South Africans. They’re the people who invented apartheid, which is basically Jim Crow laws on performance-enhancing drugs.
They speak Afrikaans, a language derived from Dutch, but with the same guttural energy as someone sneezing mid-racism. For over a century, they were the political and military backbone of white supremacy in South Africa — a status they maintained through laws, whips, guns, and Bible verses read with the sincerity of a toddler caught stealing cookies.
Post-1994, however, South Africa did something outrageous: it tried to become a democracy. And suddenly, equality felt a lot like oppression to people who weren’t used to being treated like everyone else.
A Brief (Whitewashed) History of Land Theft
Let’s be clear: the only people who had land “stolen” in South Africa are Black South Africans. Period.
According to the 1913 Natives Land Act — which was sort of apartheid’s ugly godfather — only 7% of land was legally allocated to Black people, despite them comprising the majority of the population. Afrikaner farmers and English colonists split up the rest like cake at a family gathering, where everyone pretended the baker never existed.
By the time apartheid ended, nearly 90% of South Africa’s land was in white hands. So the idea that land expropriation without compensation is some sort of “theft” is like a burglar complaining that the homeowner changed the locks.
The current South African government has long deliberated how to right this wrong without repeating Zimbabwe’s chaotic model. Yet, the process has been slow, lawful, and heavily debated. Most of the land reform has involved buying land back at market price — a strange kind of “expropriation” that involves cheques and not machetes, despite what Fox News insists.
Enter the “Refugees”
So why are some Afrikaners leaving?
Not because of any official land seizures or pogroms. Not because of systematic violence. But because the vibe changed.
They are now expected to coexist with Black neighbours. Their kids might have Black teachers. Their government is no longer run by the same Calvinist uncles who once believed that jazz music was satanic. And, worst of all, they might be taxed like everyone else.
Some claim they are the victims of farm murders — a deeply tragic but statistically misrepresented phenomenon. In fact, according to South Africa’s own police data, farmers (of all races) are not the most targeted group in the country. The murder rate in South Africa is high for everyone — it’s almost like poverty, inequality, and historical injustice might breed social instability. Who knew?
But nuance never makes a good propaganda poster. So instead, some Afrikaners have spun tales of genocide, echoing the kind of paranoia that fuels both gated communities and Fox News segments at 9pm.
Trump, Fox News & the Great White Distraction
When Trump tweeted about the supposed genocide of white farmers, he wasn’t concerned with South Africa. He was simply ringing the dinner bell for his base: scared, angry, nostalgic white people who believe that diversity is an attack on civilisation. The same people who think Wakanda is real but reparations are fiction.
Tucker Carlson aired breathy segments about these “forgotten white refugees,” giving them a platform usually reserved for talking about bathroom policies and Dr. Seuss. Meanwhile, Afrikaner emigrants with charming accents and mild trauma offered interviews about “the threat of Black rule,” like it was 1952 and they’d just survived the Mau Mau uprising — not twenty years of democratic governance where they still own golf estates.
It’s an absurd spectacle. The United States, a country built on genocide and slavery, is now hosting white colonials as asylum seekers because the people they oppressed are finally allowed to vote.
Equality Feels Like Oppression… When You’re Used to Being the Boss
This is what makes the whole “Afrikaner refugee” narrative so deliciously ironic. The loudest complaints aren’t coming from the poor. They’re coming from people who were once untouchable — the elite of apartheid’s racist fantasyland — and now have to deal with traffic cops who might not speak to them in Afrikaans.
They are not refugees. They are runaway landlords who suddenly discovered that justice doesn’t come with room service.
Conclusion: Pass the Popcorn, America
So next time you hear about these poor, endangered Afrikaner “refugees,” remember this: history is not a pity party for the formerly powerful. There is no Geneva Convention clause for bruised colonial egos. And nobody is coming to your aid because your gardener gave you side-eye during lunch.
This isn’t about land or safety. It’s about fear of accountability. It’s about the uncomfortable truth that for some people, democracy is only acceptable if it still looks like a dinner party in Sandton with a Black waiter and no politics.
Welcome to the real world. Bring your own biltong.